Stuck in a Limbo & Twlight Zone with Myself, My Mind and Soul

 Your brain is a universe within itself, the twilight zone we still can not explain. 

What if you look so deep you find things you did not want to, or feel as if they are not yours to remember, stuck in a limbo with your own mind.

At this point in my life, I am in a constant limbo with myself. Kind of like a war with my mind, body and soul. Always trying to figure out what may happen or what can happen with myself.  I started to doubt my career choices and my area of study, what I want to be in life and if I am taking the correct road to complete my happiness in the future, or did I get stuck in the fork of the road, the same old road, and am still siting there wondering if I should go right or left. I mean I am only 24 years old and already feel like I have so much to explore- my problem is where to begin. This is the time where I should be living my life to fullest, meet new people yet, I feel weary. Which brought me to thinking, I must not be alone. What if I am not the only one stuck in this twilight zone with myself.

Having a war with your mind must be the most complex art there is. The things I may come up with may sound surreal to others but make so much sense to me. My mind is very creative, maybe a bit too creative. My dreams are vivid and usually wake me up at night, sometimes I hope to be the next biggest author and dream up a whole book like many famous authors our there. If i write down even half the stuff that goes through my mind daily or things that I dream about, I believe I would have a best-seller- yet I maybe called not normal, grotesque, or a bit out-of-this worldly. Yet, what is normal? I hate this topic, I hate when people ask me to act normal. Your normal is not my normal and many people do not acknowledge that factor.

In New York you met such different walks of life but growing up in Brooklyn, at least where I grew up or grew up around, having a cellphone at age 10 is normal and all your clothing must be designer- I can not say I didn't also fall into this madness of wanting everything from a magazine, because I was that girl begging my parents to buy me the newest style and having more than I truly needed. So, now many years later thinking about how this behavior is not a way to find happiness and how spoiled I was really just, disgusts me. This generation I grew up in, makes me wish I was born in different time period, instead of staying stuck in a 1,000$ phone and taking pictures of the food we eat is more important than holding an actual conversation, makes me wish that people were still on time even though they have a car on their wrist- they never check the time, I wish people were still loving, neighborly and creative as they were just 40 years ago. Maybe, I was born in the wrong time-period. Unfortunately for me, we do not yet have a time machine and can not travel through time but only enforce to dedicate yourself to making your future better- eh, there's probably an app for that. I mean there's an app for absolutely everything now, We don't even need human interaction, for there probably is an app for that as well. Instead of sending heart-warming Christmas cards we send e-cards through a email. I wonder if there are people like me left in the world, the people who love history, organizing and planning their day, writing out cards with stamps and sending them world-wide, finding old-school vinyls and postcards and go window shopping. In my eyes in generation became so simple-minded. How do I explain myself  to the simple minded people, I guess I have hope that the open minded people are out there and will agree with me by the end of my rant.

 In the past year I feel like I haven't accomplished as much as I should have by now or as much as societies imply I should have. Looking through Facebook and seeing all my friends travel and graduate with masters degrees, get married, and live life- makes me feel like I am settling in this life more than I am living. Am i missing the memo? Why am I so lost in life and others aren't? Its kind of like I want do everything from teach to write a book to paint and open a gallery, or continue my education, to find new people and research the past more than focus on the future. I am lucky that my parents never pushed me to do something I hated. I always loved art and studying the history behind it. I think art explains or history more than our history books do.

The past two years have been rough and I over-worked my brain. I left the country for a year and truly had time to reflect on myself and my whole life. I thought of every scenario possible both negative and positive back to negative. I think I literally began to over-think everything that ever happened to me or any person that I ever came across and why. I strongly believe in destiny and the circle of life. Yet, I am always missing something inside. At a point, I believed that everyone was against me, a sudden paranoia would fill my body and once again a million different scenarios would fill my brain on what this may be; Even now writing about this experience, I don't now how to explain without it sounding as a fantasy I thought up myself, but to me it was real, surreal. Writing in this blog is helping me gather a few thoughts together but not all- I don't now where to begin or how start explaining the things I seen or heard or the information I obtained without even having to talk to anyone. Maybe, someone is envious of me and put something evil my way, or hate my family of some reason and want my parents to suffer, maybe somewhere I am a Queen or a descendant of Cleopatra and I became in touch with that universe; like opened the door without even having the intent.   Imagine living your whole life normal and out of nowhere losing it, hearing voices and thinking everyone is against you. Maybe, I am in touch with another world, a parallel universe- that many have not experienced yet.

I know I am strong and beat so many of my own demons, is possible to beat other peoples demons, as well, without even knowing it. If I told you, I bend space and time would you believe me?  If i had a degree in physics instead of just being this girl from Brooklyn- I think you would.

Some of my memories are almost like an outer body experience, remembering things it feels like I'm standing over my body watching. I want to explore this topic more vividly, once again where do i begin.  For example, I mentioned the past year was rough. There was moments were I was almost possessed in way. I started to hear things and followed what they told me- maybe i was sleep deprived or just completely broken down. I felt as if demons were following me and I should out salt around my house, of course, this illogical moment had other things that lead to this moment but that can be for another day. I took all the pictures out of the frames and took my parents wedding picture and proceeded to burn it- in my head I thought the people in hell didn't have a pictures, and needed hope as well. When I look back at this moment I am standing outside of my body looking at myself perform the acts instead of remembering it and seeing just my hands, as it would look from my eyes- but as if my soul left my body and was watching me  do this- even when my parents came rushing in - I still see myself standing in the same place, watching my parents come into the bathroom in which where I was, well my body was.

I started having these moments more and more- I think I convinced myself that someone had to be messing with me- I have no history of mental illness in my family and I know I am not crazy, I had memories that I couldn't possibly remember of other people, especially about my mother and father and began to miss my half sister Natasha, hoping that she is out there somewhere- hey, maybe she will one day read this blog and reach out to me. But these memories of my mother's childhood, and even my sisters and moments where I was not even born yet to experience. This does not have to be a negative thing, but I do remember the exact moment, place and people of where this all began and how it traumatized my life until now. I started thinking if black magic and white magic was real and what underlines mythological creatures, Biblical prophecies, Messiahs, Samurais, and the race to become God? So, when I bring this topic up, many people look at me as if I have lost my mind, asking me Alexa are you schizophrenic, where did you get this information, why are you focusing on something that will get you nowhere. I would get questions and judgements, of when did you become so Godly, why does this all of sudden interest you ?, and basically all negative things towards this topic.

I believe knowledge is power, therefore I began to study and read about almost everything related to making a sense of what happened to me to explain to the socially normal. I started to study gods' and goddess's in Greek mythology, Buddhism and Hinduism, Christianity and Judaism and mostly Religion- I look at it as more of history with underlined texts that are touching- I mean in general- I want to combine each religion, the timing and what happened even if in different regions- together as a historical moments in time. Kind of like making a timeline of all the miracles we encountered and all the horrors that came with it and see if these books were written, maybe not for us to study but whom ever is up there to remember as we read them, instead of us to remember, for them to remember. I know have a lot of work ahead of me if I want to be taken seriously and get support from readers.

What if time somewhere else if a mountain we climb into and the past is just a watch that's ticking, what if space can be bent and time is a figment of our imagination. What if we are all Gods and there is race on earth to become someone once we reach the afterlife. Is there an afterlife? Is there even a God?

One of the most philosophical questions asked - Is God Real? Why would masterminds focus their life on proving something we base on faith, unless they themselves experienced something to ensure that there has to be something above them. 

So, I want to dedicate myself to writing a blog a day to understand this Twilight Zone I am in with myself, What if i was chosen to understand it and other's were not, some of the things I may mention probably wont make any sense but I don't think it's for you to make any sense with but more for myself to see on black and white. I know for sure I am not alone and other's see what I may see or not see, Maybe I am delusional or what if I am on to something, and if I could connect with one other person- that would be enough for me.    The more I write even with just this simple blog the more ideas flow into my head, Who knows maybe I will be the next greatest fantasy author, or- the more I can think of how I truly was not myself and maybe what I did or the way I acted helped some parallel universe. 

They say if you kill a butterfly, it can move a mountain somewhere else.

Keep that in mind.