Something That Scares Me Flustered

All my life I grew up around loving parents and worked hard, we stayed fairly happy through out the years. Looking back now, I for sure know I was a very lucky child, having both my parents happily married and as an only child, getting mostly everything I wanted. I wouldn't say I was spoiled but I did for sure  work hard in school and made sure to get As  for those special presents. I graduated  school and continued efforts in education with community college. If you read my other blogs you can tell I came to a stand still in life yet it has never been more eye opening. Sometimes very confused about what I have heard or seen in the past year, I am still interested in putting together a book of essays describing the moments I have dreamt of and unreal memories racing through my brain. After I came back to the country it is almost as I began to think differently about life. At first, I was struggling to understand and appeared scared to others. Yes, I was scared but who wouldn't be at some things I have seen that where so new, therefore scary. I don't know how to even put it out there without stating it was fictional day dream but I can say things wet very dark. I became a different person yet my brain was yearning to stay myself. It was like improvsation with yourself or others you are connected with more than I'll ever know. Did I experience something that no one could explain or is there some way I can out in words what started this mission of finding my mind body and soul. Excercising my demons within and thinking the way I do today, considering I have book to write. Hopefully,  I get to that sooner rather than later. Maybe I can start writing down memories to even make this blog more understanding to readers of why I am so flustered full of anxiety and doubly full of everyone who thinks I am somehow not a warrior for what I am still accepting and accommodating.

Would it be crazy to say that I in a way crossed paths with Lucifer or that somehow has over played their game on me ? After, he came back from Israel towards Christmas time, once again he needed somewhere new to live. There was always young man hanging out in the laundry room working on essays and other things on his laptop.

He had bumped into him, his name Evan, not anything but E-van. Appearing to me the same person, yet this time around he was  a chef whom was struggling yet loved his spices. Something in  the  back  on my mind remembers the kid from the neighborhood a bit different and could have sworn his name was Ivan. 

He let DD come and stay with him for a few weeks until he himself was moving out. During this time, I not only just got back to the country yet, I still was soaking in everything that happened and how much I needed to reflect to make this point of day understandable to even myself. 

Was I dreaming ?

Maybe I saw things wrong and maybe I just needed rest. They all sounds like lame excuses not to talk about what could have truly been a moment that is needed to be spoken about out loud.